We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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