Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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