I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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