True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
