so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
