Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
