Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
