I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
