So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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