if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
