he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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