Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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