mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
