After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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