just come out here and I will go home with you...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
