Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
