I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
