I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
