I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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