You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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