he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
