remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
