I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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