those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
This house was built for laser tag.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
