I just threw up on my dentist
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
