My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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