There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
