My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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