Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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