You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
