She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
