so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
