Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
