one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
