we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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