pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This is classic penis vs brain.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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