Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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