I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
