There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize