I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
