am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
