If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
