Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
