Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
