That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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