Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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