Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The Olympian is in my bed
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
