Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
