Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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