I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
