I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
