Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
