He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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